Sunday, September 28, 2008
book in day.
wallaby packing.
today feels so empty.
so unsatisfying.
sigh..
10 more days!!! arghhh
life here is already like this, i wonder how life's there will be like.
17 more months. thats very long. VERY very long.
ok im not thinking straight already..
its sunday already. a day just passed.
God. i placed you at the centre of my life, im trying my best to not do anything of my own will, cos i really want you to write a better story for me. God, please work on my heart, my soul.. i tried sorting them out, but it's really quite a mess. the past, are just memories, the future, only you know, today, there're enough worries for me to care much about tmr.. God, im living a life 24/7 with you, they say the "one day challenge", but to me, i can't live a day without you, i'll be engulfed by sin, and the world.. sigh, the world is so sad and disgusting. people turned porn into art, by just adding a tint of lust, love that are portrayed, they're so fake, but people buy em.. blind, utter blindness, only you God, only if through you we love, pure and simple, call me naive, but a child-like faith is all that i yearned for, why is the world so complicated? i hate politics.
random thoughts..
Saturday, September 27, 2008
God, again and again you tested me, i don't know when it'll end, but i hope i'll get out of this soon. I hope to move on, i don't want to get stuck here, im nineteen already!!! ahhh, next year, the -teen will be gone!!! guide me through this please.. please let these years end on a right note, leading to a beautiful melody..
if only i'd met you earlier, when im still in white and you're in pinafore.. which is just a year before we met haha. i wonder how life will be like. well, God had plans, better than our wildest fantasies..
Friday, September 26, 2008
The two days, it felt like forever, and when the day ends, it felt like an hour.. Monday night, from the worse day, to tue morning, the beginning of my best two days since 16th june, i thought i'll never feel like that again. One moment, i thought it was the end, i was prepared, to remove you from my life, for good, but i can't, i tried to be myself, or rather, forced, but you drew me out from myself, to be myself.. thank you.
God, is this your work? you knew im about to give up something so precious, but you wrote such a beautiful short story, for me to smell it, to show me how much more you can write, you knew my limit, it's so true, you'll never give me an obstacle too hard for me to handle, even so, you'll never let anything happen to me.. thank you.
it was dark, and it still is, for the future is not for me to know, but what i know, God you'll make it beautiful. Just as im letting go, you sent a hand, the same hand which broke my heart, for only the same one could heal it.. slowly, but surely..
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A new day. God, thank you.
If everyday's like today or better, i could die happy.
i said weird, but actually, it's nice, it feels like a preview.
went church, a catholic mass, it's been a long time, but the feeling is familiar, i hold back my tears, cos a tug in my heart was telling me, "this is what is missing, now do you feel the joy with me at the centre of it, even if it's only a day? had you learnt your lesson?"
simple, yet beautiful, God, it's your work i know.. thank you.
Monday, September 22, 2008
This is the last post.
i won't say anything more about it here..
give me a knife, i'll cut it out myself..
so this is how much love can change a person..
and this is how it feel to lose everything. time is spiralling back in front of my eyes now, to the time just before i met you. there, i put the blade.. with my heart thinking whether i should sink it in.. i think i should, it'll be painful, i'll be scarred, but i'll treat it as fiction, it's too good to be true, and it'll never happen in real life(again), i'll put my mask back on, it's dusty, but usable, at least it hides my tears..
i can't do it..
Sunday, September 21, 2008
every day passed, is a blessing, cos i'd survived it, cos it'll be one day closer..
i hope tmr's a fine day..
man i need to get a phone which can keep in touch with the world when im in wallaby since camera phones are allowed, and i'll die 6 weeks without internet! i need something like, an iphone!!! muahaha. no money la.
GOD! you must help me, bless the people around me when im away, my family, r and her exams, and the situation we're in.. sigh.
miles away from here, but my heart will always be with you.
even the devil is visiting me now..
i went back to sleep, and than i heard noises, a language i don't understand, some rumbling, like tongues, i thought my sister's sleep talking again, i was wrong. i woke up, i found out i can't move, my whole body, the rumbling went on, i tried to move my left arm, real hard, i tried to speak, i can't, i said help me, and those are the only words that came out, than im freed, for a second. i laid down again, than the rumbling carried on, and the same thing happened, i got pinned again, this time it got closer and closer to my ears, i said the lord's prayer in my head, and the moment i spoke amen, i got up.. it's not the first time.
it's showing me that im in a really weak position.. im so vulnerable now.
sleep paralysis? rubbish, scientists can't even explain it, all they know is, they think, they think.
woke up early, but there's no point, i'll just be waiting to book in..
i need you words, i need to hear you say...
i don't want to keep asking, cos you don't like it..
Saturday, September 20, 2008
im crying, can't you see God? my tears.. i don't know why you placed me in this awful situation, i can't handle it, why? in a situation that is not progressing, and i can't do anything, please answer me, tell me the truth, of what is really going on, what she's really feeling and thinking, i really don't know. i can only ask you God, cos only you won't mind a thousand questions, msgs, emails, calls thrown at you.. please stop my tears.. wallaby is coming, please, i beg you, please, when i come back, everything will be just fine, i beg of you.. assure me, cos im gonna flood the desert, for 6 weeks.. oh God, please help me, my body is weak, and my soul is dead, my heart is scattered everywhere, no one is helping me to pick the pieces up, they're only being stepped and trampled on the ground.. i don't know who to turn to now. please God.
headache.
my first stand two, throughout ns during guard duty, what i feel? SUCKS, running around with a headache after being woken up in a middle of a 4 hour rest before my next shift, what do you think.
sick, something doctors can't even cure..
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
"if you have any personal problems, put it during your personal time!", emo had caused me to write my own name in my PC's blackbook. she said that i'd made her blood boil, im screwing myself up, badly.. there goes the rest of my ns days.
now even you're irritated with me. im trying already, hard.. it seem like the world is against me now.
it's all caused by.. me, em, ee, me.
all i need is some encouragement.. to hold on, is it so difficult..
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
i'm stabbing my own heart all along..it just makes a mess of everything.
4 more hours..
Monday, September 15, 2008
"slowly, but surely.."
i lost a gf, now, i think i lost the bestfriend title too, God why? cos i can't do anything, but be an irritating freak? reassure? what if i stop the smses.. and after i leave for wallaby, will it be like letting go of a rubberband? i guess my tears don't mean anything now.. tho i can't stop them from flowing..
what does it mean? tell me.
im such a fool..
Sunday, September 14, 2008
facade
hate this feeling, it's just wrong.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
17 more days and i'll know whether that Audi R8 is mine! MUAHAHAHA.. dream on
met Rachell and her bf today, SHE'S GOING ENGLAND TO STUDY!
well NTU's biochem's enough for me, give me NUS med and it'll be even better, i still dun get why i didn't even get the interview, not fair.. maybe cos im from CJ, OR MY FREAKIN H1 ECONS. anyway if only art and design have prospect in this country i would had taken some art course and be a jewellery designer! i wonder why God gave me the ability to draw paint and design, play so many musical instruments, kick ppl asses, but can't USE EM! maybe i don't know how to use my talents, teach me.. im as good as a jack of all trades, but don't know econs, literally.
Babylon AD, good movie, but i don't really like the way they put christianity in it.
so many memories at vivo..
i need to shop for more clothes, im becoming like an anime character.. dec, at least you won't be the only one shopping.
more sake today.. well at least not 70%. nice jap restaurant at vivo!
it's so different walking those places now.. my arm feels empty
Friday, September 12, 2008
for that short moment in my life just now, i felt what is it like for my heart to stop beating, hardened, and shatter. well at least it didnt happened.
New car by lotus!!!! EVORA!
My posting is HQ 2 SIB, and today, it literally means, Sleep In Bunk.. Morning, wake up, breakfast, sleep, lunch, sleep, bookout..
Once that day comes, i'll change blog, this is too.. emo.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
yay 12 pullups.
saw a black slk at the patrol station while turning out of nee soon camp today. I can't shoot for nuts, only get shot at.. gunpowder smells, nice?
i realized, the question is, do you want or not, not don't know how. am i wrong?
went back home with heavy footsteps today, well despite having lost weight, everything is just collapsing inwards slowly, as i feel the gap growing. the call was a pleasant surprise, it brightened up the moment of the day, altho its only for awhile. went back home, turned on the com, and it's as usual again. someone else is doing what i wanna do most right now. It's better than just dreaming my day through, i want to live it. i want my role back, being more than best friend, i want the initials be in caps..
one day passed is one day lost, i know quantity is not quality, but sometimes life's too short for quantity to exist. it burns my heart seeing the status, and hearing what you say, it's so.. contradicting? i duno how to describe it.
i hate reading blogs, sometimes i just can't tell facade from truth..
how ironic.
imagination is like drugs, it can cure or kill..
and yes i'm lacking that daily dose of.. no bandung doesn't work..
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I see the progression, the situation is just not to my favor, the wind is blowing hard this time. Sigh, i feel dumb pursuing, or rather, waiting. Is this even right, is it just wishful thinking? what if..
It feels like a competition, which i can't do anything to win. It's like chaining me to the ground and asking me to compete, it hurts trying and not being able to move forward, i can't even give up and walk away.. The only way is gonna send me limping. shouldn't even place myself in this impossible race, maybe it's not my race, maybe..
I'm not making things better. i'm not suppose to be in this scene, mine ended then, someone took my role, that i foolishly gave up, so author, what are you trying to write? Did you put me in a wrong act, or did i went in myself accidentally? i feel out of place, a third party. tell me, i know you won't. at least tell me why.. i'm not in a position to complain, it's my fault.
Am i really thinking too much?
I'm holding onto the blade of a double-edged sword. I hope it's worth it. I'm sitting on the edge already, the feeling is just too overwhelming. words sounds nice, but what's happening speaks louder. i think i'm falling into the state of "realizing helplessness", except it's not physical but emotional, than stop struggling, and just... give up. it's just a matter of when.. i don't know, cos everything is just dark now, not knowing what's really happening behind the wall, the words..
Sunday, September 7, 2008
book in day again.
went bishan today, checked perlini's out, they don't sell it anymore, hmm..
anyway, i just wanna get back to those days again, or rather continue living them again in the future, i feel out of place now.. oh well
i hope it's worth the wait
happy birthday! rylyl
won't be able to post it on that day so today is the day haha. shall dedicate 11 spaces for you lol.
haha. remember what 11 means? anyway, any leaves pls tell me soon, cos i need to say bout 2 weeks in advance, which is like tmr? or at most i take 3 random days off during that period..haha.
my mind needs some quarantined area, to stop me from thinking so much.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
White mooncakes with white chocolate and alittle alcohol at the centre from raffle's hotel, can you imagine how it tastes like? i can haha..
went church today, talked to God alot, as i do everyday, but still, nothing much had changed, a weary heart and aimless goals. He's the centre of my life now, but nothing's around it, sigh, i'm not doing anything to build it, cos it's so difficult to do it again once you tear down the whole wall just because a nail is faulty. Im lacking that motivation i once had.. im just waiting..
i want to eat gelare!!!!!
im kinda losing my mind now, can't really control my thoughts, bleah..
i hate reading into the words too much, but sometimes maybe it's true.
i hate getting such imaginations, but no doubt there's a possibility.
i hate being so insecure, but it may be right to be.
i hate 'buts', but we cannot deny their existence.
It's already said as a promise, why am i feeling like this.
i didn't change. the situation did.
in the past i knew everything; now i don't
then i had it whole; now it's shared
then i could do something; now i can't
then the stress was shared; now i feel useless and a burden
sorry for the trouble, esp during this time. i'll trust in you.
Friday, September 5, 2008
took a walk at taka today, ate at udon bowl! man so many memories.. went kino, reminided my of nutcracker haha, saw the solo version, but didnt wanna spend so much money.. sigh, really wanna play that duet again..
decided to remake the card today since i'd so much time, with this sudden compulsory leave..
it's so quiet these two days.. and i'm already standing on the cliff, what about 6 weeks?
got forced to take leave tomorrow, didn't really plan anything yet, so maybe i'll take a little walk? haha.
I'd never read so many books in my life, like 4 in 2 months?! especially for someone who hates reading.
one more month.. sigh.
got my eyes fixed on a pearl white Gallardo LP560-4.. or maybe i should try passing my basic theory first.
The future is so murky now, i don't know what is this leading me to. tell me God.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Thank you God, you know me best, my flaws, my sins, you changed me, through all that had happened. It's no coincidence and i blame no one for it. Thank you for answering my prayers, never once you had failed me, i can testify, and the people around me can too.
Twenty-four seven, you're on my mind..
Thank you for calling, it was a pleasant surprise, even though it's not really at the right time and i had many things to say, it made me smile. Hope you're ok now.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
i tell myself, just go through this 2 months, and it'll all be over, australia, exams, but hopefully not everything... it won't right?
for a long time i didnt have nightmares, today, wow, for someone who finds horror movies entertaining, sleeping in broad daylight, 2 dreams woke me up.. i think it's a message.
come to think about it, you still owe me a dream..haha.
anyway, sometimes i ask myself, what's really happening behind my back? behind those words? i have so many questions, but i know not now.. the possibilities in this world just scares me, the opportunities for sin and temptations is everywhere, i know, even a glimpse away from Him can cause a sequence of consequences..
today i realised, we're all seeking for someone with purity.. that's why ppl think so much.
Monday, September 1, 2008
thank you for being so supportive, even tho you're going through so much more than me now, but yet i can't help, but to keep you in prayer.. other than that i'll continue to try to help you in my own little way..
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