} ; My Music Notes } COMPLICATED *

Sunday, August 31, 2008

The flame, it's hard to keep it burning, i don't want to lose the feeling, before the promise is fulfilled, but i'm so afraid that i can't last, cos the wind is blowing hard now. Im holding on tight, cos of the promise you made, and the fear of losing everything, however, the cold is making me numb, i don't wanna lose the feeling! please hold me tight, and warm me up.. if you still wanna be with me, please keep my flame burning.. i want it to live long enough to open the present you'd given me..

this is what i fear of.. cos nothing really lasts forever if it's alone..

please reach out your hand soon, before i can't even lift mine to reach yours..
i'm afraid of falling back into the darkness, cos i'd seen the light... now everything is dimming..

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7:04 PM

Friday, August 29, 2008

its book out day, and it's not like before. on my way home, i looked back(on the past), every weekend, i know there'll be someone waiting for me, and that's like the motivation which last me throughout the week. Now, it's just go home, com, emo, sleep, complain to God and book in. I looked further, and i see those days, exam stress, unending filing in scbb, accompanied by pokes of joy and fun. I can only look back now, and hold on to em, and yearning to create more moments like those, until the time comes..

i know i'd made the right choice. but i just can't stop imagining, even after those promises, they haunt me in my dreams, wth..

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6:43 PM

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Thank you God for preserving that 0.99%, but...

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8:43 PM

Saturday, August 23, 2008

ok God i take back the words i said a month ago, i don't wanna go overseas anymore!!! please.. someone needs me. or rather it's my need. I passed you the pen, what kind of love story are you writing?! first it's australia, than BRUNEI?! wth. but if it's what you think it's best for me, i don't really have a choice do i. I just hope that you'll answer my prayer i'd said just now.

God, please show me the love that you'd once showed me. Fill my heart with it, i feel empty now, it feels so familiar, and i don't like it.

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7:38 PM

GOD!!! why!!! i asked you to heal me, NOT SEND ME TO BRUNEI FOR ANOTHER 6 WEEKS?!

first it's the silence, now this, all in one day.. God i really can't take it anymore..

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1:14 PM

Friday, August 22, 2008

i know that you wanna let go, to give him your 100%, to give him all 3. and you're trying hard, so i shall not make it hard for you, altho it's hard for me. sorry.

God, i was once lonely, and you saw this, so you sent me a friend. I was delighted. From friends, to best friends, God you sent the right person at the right time. I'd a crush, and i was in a dilemma, so i asked you everyday, she or she? the answer was obvious you said, so i gave up. I gave you the pen, to write my love story. From bestfriends, till 060308. You wrote a wonderful story, i can never forget, i experienced what's true love, your love. But i rushed, i took the pen from you for i thought i could make it better, i started writing, i was wrong. I scribbled and scribbled desperate to keep the flame, you just looked, and it all went down. 2 months, you prepared me, putting me in the best situations, i thought i was blessed, but i was wrong again. You sent an obstacle, not a physical one, but an emotional one, a big one. It slammed into me, it shattered my heart into bits and pieces, now i couldn't save it. I hold on to the pen tight, but the more i write, the more i bleed, the less hope she gave me, till this point. God, i can't take it anymore, here's the pen, take it.. please show me what's love once again, please..

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9:37 PM

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

wanna see my shattered pieces? it's at esplanade.. ok 'jokes' aside..

you love(d) me..

the love i yearn for now, i don't want it to (d)ie. every word you said last night is like an arrow into my heart, but i'm not putting in the (d), i hope you'll remove it too. cos i jumped one story down from BF to bf again, so that you won't stop loving me, so that i can support you when you're falling or down. i don't want to be alone even if i'm with you, just because you stained it with (d). bestie, you said you accepted me, as a title, or with love?

btw i found your little blue tupperware! which had fed me lots of joy..

i have a favor to ask you, can you stop using that word? especially spamming it all over your blog? I wanted to ask you long ago.. someone as beautiful as you shouldn't say it.. it's like a rose with razors not thorns. eh? ok.. anw i really want to catch up with my bestie soon.

the song still plays..

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7:07 PM

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

i'm glad you didn't ignore me, avoid me, but, the devil is playing with my heart, he's telling me it's a facade, that i'm just a crippled being pitied on, that in reality, your love had died, and there's no more hope.. i know it's not true, i just wanna hear it from you.. tell me quick, tell me not to give you up, unless there's no more space for me inside there..

now i know what you mean by imagining things, i remembered telling you not to imagine so much, but now i realised it's hard.

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8:27 PM

Monday, August 18, 2008

Last night, I put my phone beside me, spent the night looking at it,
it's like a habit. A habit of waiting for it to light up, vibrate. The
silence, it's killing me, my heart wants me to pick up that phone, but
I know that it won't change a thing, it wants me to continue and not
give up, but I know the doors are closing, or rather, closed.

My bunkmate in SI once asked me while browsing my pics in my iPod, why
do you still keep the pictures? I don't know how to reply. From those
before A's to those in scbb, they're on my fingertips, each speaking
of the joy then, and I look at myself now, pathetique.

This morning, I really couldn't take it anymore. The first morning,
only after 12hrs of standing alone, I fell.

I'm not giving up, I hope u didn't too. I won't let go till you tell
me so. I'll fall harder then, but I still have to try.

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7:04 PM

Sunday, August 17, 2008

tonight, as usual, i'll sleep with my phone beside me, this time i'm not waiting for your smses, but reading the ones which broke my heart.

i think i can be a love writer... but i can't be the author of my life.

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9:14 PM

im gonna regret everything i'd just said. cos i won't forget. i can't. it'll be too late then.

pain.

you put me in stagmont camp, and than hq 2 sib in mandai hill camp, i thought, why is it so smoothsailing? where's the obstacles? now i know, it's not physical obstacles, but a mental, and emotional one... why!!! God im in pain, my heart is torn and tattered, broken to pieces. If u God is 99%, i think i had lost 1%.

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6:34 PM

From ps, to cathay, to ps, to orchard plaza, to cuppage, every step was like, painful. God, why? didn't have appetite the whole day, went cathay, i'll never watch movies like before, sat at starbucks with a drink, memories just flow, went up to yamaha, i can't seem to forget the music, passed orchard plaza, i'll never get to discuss studies like that again, reached cuppage, never get to step into that jap restaurant. The memories not only live in me, but around me. i won't even dare speak of novena.

i asked God what's missing then, now i know..

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12:04 AM

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I shouldn't had asked. What's broken can't be broken again. Just as
I'm picking up the pieces, I got cut on my hands. I still thought
there's hope, I was right, there isn't.

I'll stop picking, it hurts more than being shattered.

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3:46 PM

Friday, August 15, 2008

back, anyway more or less confirmed that im gonna burn 2 months in australia. and i have so many leave to clear! about 10-11 days? can't remember. must clear them by end september, if not it'll just go to waste, but again, what can i do?

sometimes when you say that you'll never be in that situation, the next thing you know, you're in it.

anyway, deciding whether i should reconsider my uni course and register again next yr. well i got all the time to think about it.

my heart, it's losing alot of puzzles, at least the cross-shaped one is still there.

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7:01 PM

many things happened while i'm away. at least my com's fixed now. anyway, stoning in camp for extensive period of time got me thinking, many things. Shall not say it here cos its kinda abstract. shall continue later. gota go hospital now.

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6:57 PM

Sunday, August 10, 2008

computer's down, using a lappy now. can't wait to get my hands on my own lappy, a macook pro perhaps. It has a better office as compared to windows haha. and boot camp allows the user to switch mode to windows if installed anytime.

went church today, before that went shopping taka, bought some art stuff, planning to spend my time in camp drawing rather than stoning, than perhaps i'll sell em. rushed home form church cos it's my grandpa's bday. anyway, tmr is book in day again. sianz.

just wanna stop thinking so much.

bringing in my bolster, pillow, guitar and all tmr!

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12:08 AM

Saturday, August 9, 2008

tell me what is more slack than slackmore camp, well that will be 满呆 hill camp. haha. my daily routine in camp, wake up at 6, pt/games, breakfast, sleep, lunch, slp/stone/whatever, nights out. thats for mon to wed, thurs no nights out. hahaha. btw had company movie screening today haha.

anyway, i've decided to get a macbook pro if i were to buy a laptop, for its OS, and i'll install windows for games! haha good thing it can run both OSX and windows at the same time. than after ns i'll probably trade in my itouch for an iphone. well that will be like 1.5yrs later.

slk 55 amg!!!

i need to start studying soon. my brain is rotting.

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12:41 AM

Sunday, August 3, 2008

my itouch recovered! and now it has thousands of applications! well maybe not. haha many games and other stuff. anw, tmr's gonna be the beginning of my one and a half yrs stoning in mandai hill camp.

went cg today at mindscafe! had carbonara there, not bad but alittle too salty? played lotsa retarded board games. anw finally bought screen protector to replace my old one on my ipod. its a short day. i need to start thinking what to do on my weekends already.

sometimes i wonder whether i should reconsider my choice of course, but wth, maybe i should just be realistic.

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10:36 PM

Mandai Hill Camp is where i'm going to spend my next on and a half years in ns. It better be good. Heard that there'll be an exercise at Australia at the end of the year for bout a month!? haha. at least there're people i know in the camp.

Anyway, I CAN'T RESTORE MY ITOUCH!!! arghhh... think im gonna send it in to the store at cini tmr to see what's wrong with it.

i wanna watch the mummy!!!!!!

out.

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3:04 AM